S(N)eeds, 2021

I originally titled this piece ‘Parenting Uphill in a Global Pandemic’. There are days when parenting in this season feels like trying to push a boulder uphill while not getting crushed myself. This piece examines the seasons of parenting in this pandemic. In March of 2020, I felt like there was this super expansive opportunity and I was at the bottom looking up at all of the plans, desires, and time that we had together. I was determined to make the most of it, especially as we were about to welcome a new baby girl to our family of Mom, Dad and two boys 11,12 yrs old. I had plans and opportunities and desires before she came- to be more present, to use this unexpected time together well, to focus on the good and not panic in the face of having a baby in a global pandemic and navigating my husband’s covid layoff.  It often felt like the expanse was so high and wide that I was easily overwhelmed. She wasn’t even here and I was already exhausted - trying to show up for my boys. But then the pendulum would swing again- it  was spring, the sun was shining, and I could do this! I stopped working my part time gig the week the schools closed and stayed home virtual schooling my boys and desperately trying to steal a few moments for myself in my studio as we prepared to welcome baby. 

This was/is my first time being at home and I so desperately wanted to embrace the time, experience it fully, and be present as they grow into adolescence in a way I hadn’t been able to in previous seasons of parenting. I longed to prepare the ground in a new way for all of us, that we might grow well. Now, as I look back on the last year, I have found that I have experienced so many feelings- all of the seasons of sun and lightness, dark clouds gathering, and then a parting - sometimes moments after a storm. There have been moments of surprise beauty and release, and times of feeling stuck and hopeless. It’s a bit like a pinball machine- we’re all rolling around here- bumping into each other and our feelings, trying to make our way, uncertain where we will land, as if we are seeds, falling down to the ground, encountering so much as we fall and flow and work to plant ourselves where we can grow. I try to prioritize what I need- sunshine, movement, making, community, beauty- those little glimpses of hope. And, I am often exhausted by navigating the needs of both our new baby and my now teen and tween boys. There are days it feels like I cannot possibly manage all of her physical needs, and also hold space for them; think about what they need to grow into compassionate humans in the world. There are days I’m washing the endless stream of diapers while processing conversations about internet safety and objectification with my boys. I read articles on my phone while nursing at 3am on the teen brain and puberty and then tab back to how to relieve a clogged milk duct naturally. 

This year of virtual school and a new baby has brought many beautiful opportunities for them to connect with their new sister, and there are days when it feels like it is tearing me apart 10 months into a baby who has never slept more than 3.5 hours at a time. It feels like pressure, heaviness, so much exhaustion- and then the wind shifts and there’s a stream of sun. I see the girlie giggle and reach for her brothers and I know there is good here. I feel both deep in the guts of my being- the pressure and the good.  I protect myself- remembering what makes me “me”, and I roll uphill. I prepare the soil- knowing in the deep dark, fertile ground I am preparing a way for my children, even in the uncertainty. As I meet their needs and teach them to meet their own needs, they will grow sure and strong. 

Maybe so will I.

Detail

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